


Mass Effect 2 - If I Were Shepard

by FrankiValerie



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Comedy, Explicit Language, F/M, Mass Effect 2, Mild Language, Multi, Parody, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-06-09
Updated: 2013-06-10
Packaged: 2017-12-14 10:24:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/835833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrankiValerie/pseuds/FrankiValerie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A kind of Mass Effect 2 Parody in which I place myself (to an extent) in Commander Shepard's shoes. Gods help us all.<br/>Spoilers for ME2</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Back from the dead.

**Author's Note:**

> First off I realise that if I were actually Shepard then I'd never have made it into the Alliance Military never mind the N7 programme, and Saren, Soverigen and the Geth would all be ruling the Galaxy right now - which is why I've given Franki Shepard a 'soldier mode' where she can be the badass Commander we know and love to get us through the battles... All other times... well you'll see.  
> This was originally written as something to make my best friend laugh, hopefully it'll make all of you laugh too.

Reach, short arse, REACH

"Commander!"

REEAACHH!

"SHEPARD!"

My fist made contact with the glowing red interface mere moments before the enemy's glowing death ray cut through the Normandy's cockpit, blasting me far away from Joker and the escape pod which blew out the other side of the hull.

Away from the Normandy.

Away from escape.

Away from life.

There's no way I could ever remember my final thoughts; if I even had any more complex than 'fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckimgonnafuckingdie' . But I do remember how it felt to suffocate in the darkness of space. That sucked.

Next thing I knew, voices and a light were pulling me back from the thick blackness. The closer I got, the louder they rang out. My head started hurting and I tried to move to rub my eyes but my arms weren't responding... The voices got more panicked- cus thats always a great sign in the medbay - and one in particular stood out as extremely annoying - a thin Austrailian accent. Then she came into view. Dark hair and eyes, and the biggest chin I had ever ever seen on a woman. There was some bald guy too. I tried and failed to take in what they were saying but all I could get was snippets. Trying to breathe was painful, my heart hammered against my aching chest and when I finally managed to get my arm to move, the chin woman pushed it back down and asked me to stay calm.

"Fuck you, Chin!" is what I would have said if I could speak. Instead I could only watch her and baldy move around and then finally the pain started to subside and I fell for the second time into total black.

Piss off, darkness, seriously.

\------------------x----------------------

"Shepard, wake up! The station is under attack!"

There was that annoying aussie chin woman again, telling me what to do. Who does she think she is? Does she KNOW i'm the hero of the Citadel?! First human Spectre!

"You need to wake up, Shepard!"

I opened my eyes and looked around, my ribs and face was still killing me. She wasn't in the room and there was smoke coming from the only exit. Again, always a good sign in a med bay.

"Your scars aren't fully healed but we need to get you off this station!" Her voice rang out again, and I scowled.

"I'm up, for God's sake!"

I went to swing my legs around and get up but the bed wasn't as wide as I'd first anticipated and I rolled right off the edge. Smooth operator that I am.

"Grab your armor and pistol from the locker!"

This was gonna be a very difficult relationship if she was gonna keep telling me what to do. But in the interest of not dying I did what she said, and sure enough my N7 armour and trusty M-3 Predator was there just waiting to be used- scratch that, "This pistol doesn’t have a thermal clip!"

Chin bitch ignored me, "Take cover, that cannister’s gonna blow!"

Soldier mode took over from there, I ducked just in time and the blast cleared the exit showing two conveniently placed thermal clips just on the other side. Soldier-me picked them up, loaded them, and entered into the next room, where a LOKI Mech activated and started shooting. So, naturally and more gracefully than how I had dismounted the bed in the med bay, I vaulted over a short barrier and took cover behind a crate. Not sure when I shot the thing but its head came off and it exploded. Good job I guess?

Next room, more mech’s that just seemed to die whenever I caught sight of them.

Soldier mode has always been like this. Cover, shoot, cover, kill, shoot more, use some special ammo, tactical cloak behind that guy et cetera et cetera. I generally just let that part take over and - hey look another person who’s still alive!

A guy dressed in a black jumpsuit was shooting at mechs from a walkway over at a balcony.

“c’mere!” He used a biotic pull on the last one and it dropped off the balcony into some kind of pit.

Good enough chance to say hey.

“hey!”

“Shepard?! You’re alive!”

“You were expecting a corpse?”

The look in his eye that said “yes” made me think again and it all came flooding back. The unexpected attack that came from nowhere when I’d been sharing a drink with Ashley. Making everyone get into escape pods then struggling through the CIC to get to the cockpit..

“you’ve been dead two years, Commander, what’s the last thing you remember?”

I didn’t get a chance to answer, more mechs had started firing at us.

“Damnit, thought I’d taken em all down. We’re running low on thermal clips, but I’m a biotic. Just say the word and I’ll hit em with the good stuff.”

“Dude, just go for it, I’ll be down here, reeling.”

Three biotic pulls later, he helped me up and asked if I had any questions.

“WHOA, where the fuck do I start? First off, who are you?”

He smiled, showing off some really big teeth, “They said you could be dramatic. I’m Jacob Taylor, Soldier. Assigned here to keep you and the scientists working on you safe.”

“Good stuff, Taylor, nice to meetcha, so what happened to my ship?”

“The SSV Normandy was attacked by an unknown vessel and disintegrated over Alchera in the Amada system. Most of the crew got out without a scratch. A few servicemen from the lower levels weren’t so lucky. Navigator Pressley was killed by an explosion. Everyone else including non-alliance crew; the Asari and Quarian, made it out alive.”

“Know where they are?”

“Its been two years..” he drew out those last two words, as if two years meant two hundred, “they’ve all gone their separate ways, left the alliance. Who knows what they’re doing.”

I scowled and it hurt my head, “look, they were my team, my friends. If they knew I was alive they’d come back. No matter what.”


	2. The SR-2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reunited with Joker and presented with a new Normandy. WOOP!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is kinda short....   
> Please read the first part! :3

Soldier-shep took over the talk with the Cerberus head-honcho, the Illusive Man, when we returned from Freedom's Progress. There was stuff about repears, collectors, colonists...  The Franki part of me was still buzzing from seeing Tali alive, well and in command. I had wanted nothing more than to hug her but I didn’t wanna embarrass her. I did pipe up when the Illusive Man mentioned a crew though, “I had a perfectly fine crew on the Normandy, I’ll get them!”

“I’m afriad that won’t be so easy. You’re former crew mates have gone about their separate ways.”

“Yeah, yeah Jacob already mentioned that...” I sighed and folded my arms. Well I knew what Tali was doing with life now... She didn’t seem all that happy I was hanging around with Cerberus.

“What about Liara T’Soni?” Liara would surely come back. She and I had uh... ‘Embraced Eternity’ before Ilos, surely that meant something to her?

“She’s on Illium. Our sources say she’s been working for the Shadow Broker. If that’s the case, she can’t be trusted.”

“Shit, no way! Really? That’s adorable! Okay uh... Ashley Williams?”

“Still with the Alliance, and promoted I believe. Her file is surprisingly well classified.”

“no kidding, little Ashley got a promotion, good for her!”

He didn’t look very amused. Not that I’m at all unfamiliar with that look of ‘S-T-F-U’ from superiors.

“What about Garrus Vakarian? No doubt he’s a big shot Turian Spectre by now!”

“The turian disappeared a few months after you were declared dead. Even we haven’t been able to locate him.”

Worry caused an uncomfortable knot to twist around in the pit of my stomach.

TIM used my pause to move along the meeting, “We have your new ship ready for you, and I’ve found a pilot I think you might like. They say he’s the best.”

He said some more douchy stuff but I was just thinking _‘how does he know who I’m gonna like? The best? No one’s better than-’_   I heard the door behind me open.

“Hey, Commander, just like old times, huh?”

“JOKER!” I went to pounce at him but he recoiled and I froze, taking a moment then clearing my throat and offering him a hand instead, “Can’t believe its you.”

He flashed that familiar lop sided goofy smile and shook my hand, “looks who’s talking, I saw you get spaced!”

He walked me out the conference room and I followed him through the station, not at all paying attention to where we were going, but hanging off his every word. He had been my best friend, we connected as soon as we met, and he just made me laugh like no one else.

“How’d you end up here?” I asked him, patting his back fondly.

“It all fell apart without you, Shepard, everything you stirred up the council just wanted it gone.”

I rolled my eyes, “Figures.”

He continued, “The team got broken up, all records sealed and I got grounded.” I knew how much that would have hurt him. With Joker’s vrolic’s syndrome seriously effecting his mobility, he loved the feeling of flying. Especially in the Normandy. She was his ship as much as she was mine, if not more.

“The Alliance took away everything that mattered to me, hell yeah I joined Cerberus!”

“That Illusive Man’s a bit uh... shifty don’t ya think? Sure we can trust him?”

“I don’t trust anyone who makes more than I do...” We’d stopped at some big ass window and he was pushing some numbers into a small glowing green interface, I smiled , clearly his sense of humour had been unaffected, “they aren’t all bad! Saved your life, let me fly... and then there’s this... they only told me last night.”

Lights started flickering on the other side of the window and I leaned forward to get a good look at what was inside.

You ever have those moments when some epic music starts playing in your head? Happens to me all the time, sometimes it’s annoying cus it interupts conversation but this time it fit.

My heart lifted and I gasped in awe as the lights illuminated a very familiar looking frigate.

“It’s good to be home, huh, Shepard?”

“Duuuuude look at her! We gonna name her?!”

\-------------x-----------------

 


	3. Dossier: Archangel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Miranda says start at Omega... So we start on Omega.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I asked for feedback and someone pointed out that it jumps around a lot. This is intentional, I chose my favourite parts to work with.  
> If I miss a part you'd like me to work on, then let me know :)
> 
> Not entirely sure i'm happy with this, but hey, its something.
> 
> Thank you for reading!

I rolled my eyes as Miranda and Jacob walked off to their offices/stations whatever, and headed for the cockpit. Joker turned around in his pilots chair wearing a huge grin, which reflected onto my face.

“Can you believe this, Shepard? My baby, back from the dead! Better than before, she fits me like a glove!!”

He spoke so quickly and with that same old spark in his eyes, I couldn’t help but smile like a proud mother as he continued, “And leather seats! Military may set the hardware standard but on a first-gen frigate they could care less if the seats breathe, civilian comfort by design.”

EDI’s glowing interface blinked as her voice butted into the conversation, “The reproduction was not intended to be perfect, Mr Moreau, seamless improvements have been made.”

His grin dropped slightly and his brow furrowed, “And there’s the downside... I liked the Normandy when she was beautiful, smooth and quiet... Now she has this.. ship cancer.”

I nodded and slumped down into the empty co-pilot seat, “I know what you mean..” I eyed EDI and glanced down the hallway at the Cerberus crew, “I don’t trust it entirely. Seems too... Convenient.”

Joker had turned back around and had his hands rested on the piloting interface again but he nodded, looking back at me, “Hard to argue when they install an AI to spy on you.”

I nodded and put my feet up on the chair’s arm rest, using the high back to hide myself behind, “Exactly..”

Joker looked back to me again, “We are staying though, right? Leather seats!”

I smiled at his tone, “We’re not gonna save colonists if we leave are we?”  

  
“So the course is set for Omega. Heart of the Terminus, right? We picking up some red sand? Slavers?”

“A mercenary, a professor and a vigilante.” I said, grinning and wiggling in my

He nodded slowly, smiling, “A Vigilante on Omega? Thats gotta be the easiest job in the galaxy...”

“yeah, his dossier thingy is pretty interesting though. Looks like the hard part has been not getting caught.”

EDI had to chime in with her two cents, “Archangel is a mercenary commander whose operations are noted for their technical expertise and strategic brilliance. He is responsible for high-profile attacks on gang leaders on Omega”

Joker and I exchanged quick looks of approval, “Yeah thats what the dossier said! Sounds kinda bad ass right?”

Joker nodded, and smiled, “Sounds like Garrus’ kind of guy. Didnt he always whine on about how C-Sec should just shoot criminals instead of letting them get away because of evidence?”

I paused. I wondered if Joker had any idea about Garrus. The look on my face made Joker’s smile drop again, “What?”

“I asked the Illusive man about Garrus. He says he disappeared a few months after the Alliance  declared me dead. No one’s heard from him since.”

Joker opened his mouth with a joke ready but chin bitch interupted him with that annoying aussie accent, “ETA 5 minutes, get ready. The sooner we get the professor the sooner we can leave.”

I rolled my eyes, pulled myself up, scowling at Miranda on my way past, “Kay, mom.”

Bossy chin bitch.

 

We spotted the Mercenary Zaeed Massani as soon as we stepped onto the station. A burly older man with a HUGE ugly scar on his face that I tried not to stare at too much. I found it hard not laughing at his accent too, a proper cockney twang, the kind that always makes me laugh. He was kicking some batarian about - I like him already - and he was happy to come along as long as I helped him kill some guy with a weird name. He went on his way and said he’d meet us on board the Normandy. Great!

We’d been told that we had to go speak to Aria T’Loak in a bar called Afterlife. Miranda said she’d probably be our best lead to finding Professor Mordin Solus and Archangel.

 

We got the intel we needed from Aria - the most kick ass Asari i’d ever met (excluding Liara, of course) - and discovered that Archangel was in some trouble with the local merc groups which had rallied together to take him down once and for all - apparently they’d already gotten the rest of his squad.

By this point, Chin bitch had really gotten on my nerves, so I lost my temper with her and marched her right back to the Normandy, bringing Zaeed out with my instead. I shook his hand and asked him to fill me in everything he knew about Archangel on our way to meet with the guy who was gonna take us to the action.... he knew fuck all. Just a pretty face.

 

“This has been too God damn easy” Zaeed commented as we entered the base, heading up the back stairs and around the back of Archangel.

The fact that we had gotten this far almost confirmed my suspicions. From asking the merc leaders and Aria about the vigilante, I’d learnt he was idealistic, driven by justice, a skilled sniper, and turian. Joker’s words echoed in my mind “Sounds like Garrus’ kind of guy.”

To me, it sounded like Garrus.

“In his position I wouldn’t let any arsehole past, whether it looked like they were helping or not.”

“Unless you knew and trusted them.” I chimed in as we reached the door. They slid open and I lowered my gun, “Archangel?” I tried to sound tough, like soldier-shep would sound but my own voice broke out, hopeful, concerned but ready for a harsh reality check.

He held up a finger, signalling to wait, and shot one last micey merc that we must have missed.

Then he got up, he had to use his gun as a crutch and my heart pained.

He reached up to his helmet and pulled it off.

“GARRUS!”

I couldn’t stop myself the way I had done with Tali, and pounced on him, knocking the helmet out of his hand and taking him by surprise. I think I winded him a little too, I heard him cough over my shoulder. He patted my back and chuckled, clearly tired.

“I thought you were dead.” he finally said.

I’m a little ashamed to say but I was fighting off tears. I’d been so sure he would be long gone, never to be seen again.

“I could say the same about you, big guy.”

I was still hanging off his neck, and it took a disapproving comment from Zaeed to get me to finally let go, and remind me that a whole lot of mercs were still trying to kill Garrus.

Trying to kill one of my best friends.

Like hell were they taking him away from me. I think I actually growled at this point, looking back over the bridge and taking out my own sniper rifle.

“Lets spill some merc blood, Vakarian.”


End file.
